Bound by Death
by Aerolysia
Summary: Hecate is having trouble dealing with the events from the past two years but refuses to seek help. Add nightmares from her past and a surprise inspector and it may just bring her to her breaking point. Pippa is determined to help despite Hecate's insistence she is fine, but it means Hecate will have to come clean about her past and her fears. Tw for attempted suicide and abuse


_'You will always be mine.'_

Hecate woke sharply at the voice echoing around in her head. Familiar words sending a shiver cascading down her spine and phantom pains skittering behind. Remnants from a past she would rather forget but could recall with startling clarity.

She climbed gingerly from the bed, the soft fabric of her silk nightgown slipping from her shoulder, a testament to just how much weight she had lost as of late. Weight she couldn't afford to loose but was easily covered by her many layers of clothing she enfolded herself with during the day.

She had always been gangly she told herself morosely as she treaded across the cold floor to stoke the long dead ashes in her fireplace. Loosing a bit of weight wasn't going to change that.

Morgana yowled at her from the couch, eyeing her curiously and a bit critically as she stretched her dark figure. Like Hecate the lovely black cat had never been a morning person, she wasn't happy about being awoken well before dawn either. Unlike Hecate, though, Morgana could return to sleep even after the worst interruption.

She set a fire in the grate by magic and moved to scratch affectionately at her familiar, until the cat felt nullified and slunk off toward her bed to snuggle under the rumpled covers.

The dark haired witch sighed, turned back toward the fire and allowed some of it's warmth to seep into her bones. Aside from her recent loss of appetite and bouts of insomnia she found she couldn't stay warm.

Her dark eyes fixed on the flames as they licked along the black smut covered bricks. She idly noticed she needed to clean her chimney, recent events had kept her from thinking about it and no one else dared to intrude on her own private domain.

She sighed and forced herself away, if she was going to be awake she would have to be productive. She had finished her markings already but there was lesson plans she could prepare for the coming week and a few notes she had been idly compiling for one Mildred Hubble. Something that had started as a way to keep her mind busy but something she had quickly seen the worth of when the young third year began vastly improving in her school work.

Hecate glanced at the elegant black scrawl of the notes she had created her on the uses of wormwood. She idly wished she could sketch as well as the girl, perhaps they wouldn't look so drab and boring.

She knew she wasn't the best teacher at Cackles, that her methods were difficult for students who weren't as quick on the uptake. She wanted to believe that she had mellowed out though, especially since Pippa had come back into her life in the form of weekly mirror chats and weekend visits.

Lately though she had become stressed with those as well, Pippa wanted her to visit, had become a little insistent. But it was something she could not do. And she didn't know how to explain without admitting one of her greatest faults….without admitting it all.

She groaned in frustration and took a seat heavily at her desk. She didn't bother reaching for her quill and ink, she didn't feel like writing, didn't feel like working on anything. She wondered if any of the girls felt the same, if they or Ada had similar experiences as they all recovered from the ordeals of the last two years. If they had they hadn't mentioned it, and it didn't seem to show in any of their daily life.

She rubbed at her temples and tried to think of something else. Something to do that would effectively distract her from the turmoil in her mind.

She needed to restock some of her ingredients. Some of the more _local_ plants she could collect on the grounds anything else and she would have to wait until she could ask Ada to send students out to collect. Still it was something she could do and it would be more productive than sitting around at her desk.

A quick trip into her bathroom and she was sufficiently dressed for her four a.m. outing. She wrapped an old cloak around her shoulders, it was dark and threadbare in some places but it was her favorite, something Pippa had given her before…..before everything had changed. One of the only gifts she had managed to keep while under the tutelage of Broomhead.

The shiver moved back over her and she shook it off. Thinking of the past only caused her more pain than anything so she once again focused her mind of the task ahead.

It was a quiet trip down the dimly lit corridor. Not a sound from a wayward pupil or the padding of familiars moving about their charges. She avoided the dorms anyways, no sense in accidentally waking a light sleeper like Sybil or Maud.

She was extra quiet around Ms. Bat's room, hers was the rooms closest to the herbal gardens Ada had allowed her to culture on campus.

She pushed the glass doors open with slight reverence, she always thought they were beautiful, would forever be grateful to Ada for having the stain glass put in. A gift to her for her ten year anniversary teaching at Cackle's. Beautiful work, roses and thorns set against a stormy mountainous backdrop.

But as lovely as the doors were nothing could ever bring her as much peace as what lay behind them. Nothing as calming as the garden she had created for her potions and students.

She moved about slowly, carefully collecting enough to replenish her stocks and making sure the plants were growing well even after the freezing. She hummed in satisfaction as she noticed barely any ill effects. Her plants were, like herself it seemed, resilient.

It took another hour and a half to finish collecting her ingredients but by the time she was finished it was a more respectable hour to be awake. She had just enough time to put everything away before she was due in the Great Hall for breakfast.

She may not have been eating much but as Deputy Head she knew she couldn't afford to skip meals. It was part of her job to ensure the students were taken care of, both academically and physically and that meant that they eat enough for growing children to stay healthy. Even if it did make her feel slightly hypocritical when she had forced Maud and Enid to finish their porridge the first few mornings after the freeze. Perhaps if there had been someone to do that for her she would have her appetite back like the children. But Hecate hadn't let anyone close enough to worry about her and Ada had been far too occupied convincing the Great Wizard and the parents that everything was indeed fine once again.

She put the last stopper on some rather delicate plants before turning to make sure everything was put away and tidy for her first class. A soft, hesitant, knock sounded on the door pulling her from her careful thoughts.

"Come in." She didn't exactly want to see anyone yet but she knew she couldn't ignore whoever was on the other side of the door, be it teacher or student.

She felt only marginally better to see Ada on the other end, even though the woman looked frazzled to no end despite the early morning.

"Good morning Hecate, I thought I heard you in here bustling around." She smiled for her friend even though it didn't quiet reach her eyes.

"Yes," Hecate drawled slowly, "I woke early to restock my stores." Ada nodded thoughtfully, she looked as if she wanted to say something, worry crossed her features for a moment but Hecate didn't want to cause her any worry and was quick to draw her attention to anything else. "Was there something you needed, Ada? You look rather tired this morning."

Ada smiled sadly. "A little, Ursula Hallow has become the bane of my existence." She admitted quietly. Hecate was pleased it was just her, the woman _was_ an annoyance of the worst kind but she was no where near nightmare worthy. "She is trying to press the council for another inspection." Ada sighed heavily, running her hand over her face. "I'm afraid they will have no choice but to agree."

Hecate scoffed, she couldn't remember the last inspection only the stress that had come with it but it had ended well enough, she supposed. "We passed the last one they sprung on us we will do the same with another. Only this time you will be here to keep order." She forced a smile, small as it were. Ada returned it.

"Thankyou Hecate, I know things haven't been easy as of late but I just wanted you to know….I appreciate you, everything you do for this academy. We would be lost without you."

Hecate swallowed thickly and turned away, fussing over her things a bit to collect herself. Ada gave her the space she needed, knew she wasn't good with feelings.

"Thank you, Ada."

"Hecate, I know we never talk about it…..but…well I feel I just need to say, I'm happy you were here that night, if nothing else I'm glad to have you in my life." Hecate barely restrained a sob, her fingers clenched against the wood and her shoulders tensed. She appreciated Ada wanting her to feel wanted, accepted, but she didn't want to remember her past, she didn't want to face those memories. "I'll see you at breakfast, Hecate."

The dark haired witch nodded stiffly but she didn't turn around. She hated how close her emotions were to the surface, how they had her magic rolling under her skin, pricking to be released.

She sucked in a deep breath, tried not to let her mind wander to the night she had arrived on the school's grounds. Tried not to remember the thunder rolling in the sky as her body ached, as the fever climbed higher and the rain pelted down on her in icy torrents. The wicked voice pushing her forward, calling her useless, telling her she didn't deserve her power, telling her what she already knew, that she was unloved and unwanted. She had one use…..

_Lightning flashed across the sky, she blinked furiously against the blinding pain the unexpected light brought to her sensitive eyes. She shivered under the rain despite the warm summer air she felt chilled to the bone, very aware her fever was climbing into dangerous territory but just as aware that her companion wasn't going to offer her any sympathy or care._

_Hecate Hardbroom knew she would most likely perish from her fever, whatever illness was wracking her body she was quickly loosing strength to counter. Still Broomhead forced her on. _

_She was searching the Forrest for a rare herb, one that could only be found on this particular night. She couldn't give up, no matter what happened she had to find that plant, or perish in the process. Broomhead didn't accept failure. _

_She stumbled in the rain, falling to her knees and hands, scrapping her palms against stones and leaving them bloody and muddy. She didn't have the energy to repair the damage, didn't have the energy to cast a healing charm, a warming charm or even the simplest spell to protect her from the torrential rain soaking her shivering body._

"_Hurry up, girl." She flinched at the voice, did her best to ignore the belittling comments that followed as her Mistress launched into her usual tirade about her inadequacies. _

_Hecate said nothing. They both knew why she was stumbling, why she was ill. Broomhead had taken too much of her magic, so much so that Hecate could hardly stand. Hecate knew she deserved it. She had broken the rules. Had been dreaming of Pippa again. Her weakness. Hecate was weak, she didn't deserve all the power that courses through her veins. She had to be punished. _

_Something grabbed the back of her head, grasping her hair and pulling her to her feet. She struggled only a second before she realized it was her teacher's hand. Long nails scrapped at her scalp and pulled her back against a tall lithe body. She arched back against her helplessly, trying to alleviate some of the pain. No sound left her though, earning her an impressed grunt from the older woman._

"_Find the Rhizanthella Gardneri, Hecate, and perhaps I will help you rid yourself of this…..cold."_

_She released her suddenly, Hecate stumbled again but managed to keep herself up right, barely. Her body protested but she continued searching. _

"_Useless girl, sometimes I wonder why I chose you. So many candidates." She muttered with forced wistfulness, as if she had wanted anyone other than the young witch in her grasp. "When your father approached me I almost turned him away. If not for his insistence you would be a nobody, still following that useless pink princess around like a lost puppy." Hecate moved away slightly, not wanting to be reminded of her ex best friend, not wanting to be reminded of her weakness._

_Lightning flashed again, illuminating the terrifying woman, her expression made Hecate search all that much harder. She knew she was in the right place, Broomhead was never wrong, although Hecate thought she should be looking in darker places, caves or crevices. The underground orchid wasn't called that for no reason._

_She turned her attention to the ground, honestly searching for whatever would get her out of the elements. Whatever would get her into a warm bed with a potion for pain or sleep, at the moment she wasn't particular picky._

_She slid again, this time down the side of a slight ditch, the rain had filled it with water and she gasped as she sunk under the cold rushing liquid. She was too weak to pull herself up, her magic was gone, in Broomhead's grasp and it was up to the woman to decide if she wanted to save her or not._

"_Oh do get up you stupid girl."_

_She tried. She honestly tried. Her body was too exhausted, she was too exhausted. Emotionally, physically….and magically. Broomhead ruled her, completely, every aspect of her life was ruled by Broomhead. She supposed it was only fair that her death be decided by the woman too._

"_Hecate."_

"Hecate?" She jumped a mile high as a soft hand landed on her shoulder. A small undignified squeak left her mouth and she turned sharply toward her intruder….or savior.

"Ms. Bat." She breathed out harshly, stepping around the concerned woman as she tried to collect herself.

"Are you okay, Hecate?" Gwen wanted to say more but didn't know how. How to tell her friend and colleague that when she walked in Hecate was paler than a ghost and her eyes was dark and unfocused. She was obviously reliving something and the older witch desperately wanted to help but didn't know how, or if it would even be welcome.

"I'm fine." Came the terse reply. "Did you need something?" She couldn't help the impatience in her voice, she knew Gwen would understand though and it only made her all that more embarrassed and edgy.

"You haven't made it to breakfast yet, Ada sent me to check on you. She thought she might have upset you and she was coming back to check but….well Mildred had a bit of an accident." She waved off the rest of Gwen's explanation.

"I- I'm afraid I'm not very hungry this morning, tell Ada I'm fine, I appreciate everyone's concern but it's unnecessary." And apparently unwelcome but she didn't say it aloud. They all knew she hated being fussed over.

"Alright." She stepped aside as Gwen swept passed her. She felt shaky but was in better control of herself now that the memory had passed. She still felt unsteady but her magic was no longer itching to be released. No longer testing her control.

"Hecate," Gwen waited until dark eyes met hers. "We are all here if you ever need us. For anything." Hecate nodded stoned face and the choir teacher walked back towards the Great Hall. Hecate sighed and shut the door after her, hoping for some privacy before her first class and ignored the rumbling in her stomach that told her she should have eaten despite the fact she had no appetite.


End file.
